Hi Chuck, Ed, Steve

Hi Chuck, Ed, Steve and the MKP brothers worldwide,  

Thank you Chuck-san for connecting me to the brothers. It is a great relief for me to have someone close to me so that I can safely explore my internal sadness. It is like never ending process, but I guess that's the only way I keep myself alive.  

Chuck came to my home last month with his wife on their home coming journey to Japan, and had wonderful time sharing my deep feeling. Yuko was with us in the room with her ashes and picture.  

We have 5 MKP brothers living in Tokyo. They supported me great deal at the funeral a week after Yuko's death in January. They helped me bring her spirit into the room so that I and my three children could say good by in front of more than 100 people who came to the ceremony. We normally keep the ashes for several weeks before bring it into the cemetery. This is the way we can stay with her for a while before releasing our feeling. Tomorrow is our second ritual after the funeral that we bring her ashes into the cemetery. Lots of people came to support us at the funeral in January, but this time we chose not to bring people in, and just be with our close families; i e. Yuko's mother, siblings, in-laws, our children (15, 12 and 10), and myself.  

I have mixed feelings, I am not ready to release her yet, and at the same time, want to release her so that I can move to my own life without her. I have my three children, my parents, lots of my friends, my students, patients, neighbors and the brothers. I am not alone and have lots of relationships that I can live in. But I don't think I can help feeling empty and isolated deep in my heart.  

I cannot keep it shut. I feel I have to think about, and talk about my feeling on Yuko, trying to remember her in my brain, and share them with somebody who would be kind enough to listen to. I am afraid that I would be deeply depressed if I keep it inside and closed.  

You know, I thought I would go to anywhere even to overseas to have safe container where I can be free with my feeling. But I realize what I am doing right now is what I want/need to do. Thanks for the internet technology that I can be connected with you by just writing e-mails and posting to my blog. People would visit my site to share my feelings. I am sure Yuko in the wind also have the internet connection, and I can reach out to her.  

Thanks for listening. This is almost like an on-line i-group for me. I do not think I need any advice or suggestions. It is enough for me to know that you are here with me to share.