Three weeks after the anniversary.

Tokyo warriors and Steve Kush,

Since I will not able to make our next meeting tomorrow, I chose to check in and share my emotion on line.

> How are things going since the anniversary of Yuko's passing?

> I was thinking of you recently and thought I would check in with you.

> How are you doing?

> What are you keeping yourself busy with?

> How are your children?

Thank you, Kevin and Steve for checking in. Your messages mean a lot to me and facilitate my work well.

The anniversary ceremony on Jan 3rd freed my sadness a lot. I guess this is a ritual which you may not have in the States. It is normally conducted by religious tradition. Since I am not religious, I could not stand staying quiet and listening to the Buddhist monk’s prayers which we do not understand the words. So I made up the ceremony in the way I want to just like the funeral a year ago. It was just like our warrior groups. I appreciated men who were physically and spiritually there when I and my children called Yuko’ spirit into the circle. I talked about Yuko; sadness and the memories which I wanted my children to remember. Then the microphone was passed around to all the people to give a chance to say anything. There were full of people last year at the funeral; around 600. This time I invited only 30 people who were really close to Yuko in her school days, workplace and neighborhood.

I worried about Yuko’s mother who has not being able to tell her daughter’s death to her relatives. It may be too much for her to express her feeling, so I gave all of us a choice to either speak or not to speak; they can silently pray and pass the microphone to the next person. But she actually spoke about her childhood memory. I had a telephone conversation last night with the mother. She said she liked the ceremony very much and felt much lighter after talking and listening to many stories of Yuko from the people gathered. I believe she could release some burden of the sadness. At the end of the ceremony, the warriors helped us again to release Yuko’s sprit into the sky again, followed by nice lunch.

It has been three weeks since the anniversary. In a way, I had expected I would be in better shape after the event. But in reality, I still keep sadness inside. I think I do not want to release it for life. So my emotions are basically same, but at the same time, I see myself start to look more at my future; the plan for new job next year, and a possibility of new partner. I have an exact plan for the first one, but not for the second one yet. I am not doing anything at a moment, just thinking in my head for the future option.

Children are fine. They receive a lot of love from their grandparents who live together. I try to be present and available for children, and to avoid to be an absent father. But it has been a difficult task even before Yuko’s death as you all know in my works in our i-group.

Ho!

I just need to get my feelings out by responding to your messages.

Thank you for listening.

I feel sadness and hope.

I am OUT.

Tiki,

I share and understand your sadness. It is never easy to lose a loved one. I never knew Yuko, yet I think she must be a very good woman - just look at her husband, an honest and loving man who loves unconditionally. .

From the other side of the ocean, I send you energy to step forward into the future.