Genuine SADNESS

Dear Tiki,

I'm not sure whether you have Xmas holiday in Japan but the holiday seasons let me think constantly about you and the children. How you all are doing? Do you still write about your loss in your blog? What did you write recently? Which kind of emotions do you carry now as a result of the loss?

Dear Khawla,

Thank you for remembering me and my children. We are all fine. We do have Christmas holiday, but it is rather commercial than religious. New Year’s Day is the main holiday of the year here. Our works/schools are all off for a week, so it is a holiday season anyway.

Yes, I am still actively writing my blog. A few of the article in English, but most of them in Japanese. In fact, I will put this one on the blog as well. I am recently writing more in winter than the previous summer time. We had our wedding anniversary in October, Yuko’s birthday in November, national holidays in December/January and the deceased anniversary very soon. I have more emotions to write in the last couple of months.

I feel my sadness stays basically the same over the year, but its quality has changed a lot. It was like fresh blood bleeding, and I was afraid of being depressed or out of control last time I saw you in February. But now the scar seems to be covered with new skin on the surface. It looks superficially OK, but is still covertly bleeding inside.

I suppose I have done a pretty good job managing my emotions and our daily lives. My parents who live downstairs gave us an instrumental support of laundry and cooking. I gave enough sense of security to my three children, who are doing fine at home and their schools. My professional life is functioning as well. I reduced the amount of workload to concentrate the most important ones, but still some new projects came, which are very rewarding and satisfying. I got a new book published in November too. So my EMOTION is the only aspect of life that I still need to work through. I do not self blame like regretting I should have done this and that for Yuko. I do not have anger to Yuko or anybody.

It is a genuine SADNESS that I am still struggling. In a way it should be easier to handle only one kind of emotion than the complex of many emotions like sadness, regret, self-blaming, and anger. I still keep Yuko alive in mind. I am not ready to release her to at all. Yesterday I was waiting at a foyer with my children for the movie to start. I felt like I was waiting for Yuko to come back from the restroom. They are this kind of tiny daily moments that I realize the loss and feel the pain of sadness.

I will have an anniversary ceremony on this coming Sunday, Jan 3rd. Hundreds of people came for her funeral in last January. But this time I have only invited less than 20 people who were really close to Yuko in schools, workplaces and neighborhood. We will have a solid and calm moment together by each of us talk about Yuko in our minds. I hope this event gives us a chance to move forward and soon be ready to release her into the sky.

Do I answer your questions? It gives me a good chance to reflect my emotions. Look forward to seeing you in Buenos Aires in March.

Dear Tiki,

Thanks for sharing your emotions and things going in your life.

I believe that you used your tacit knowledge from the profession in a good way from the first moment to face Yuko's death. Yes morning is a painful process, never ending regardless time and therapy. Years show that it is possible to live the life without the deceased but everything after that trauma will be different. We enter into the morning process with the notion of reliving the memory of the died not to forget and omit the presence from the daily life.

Sadness is the most "normal" feeling coming after lose. Don't try to fight it! I guess that when you feel sad you feel connected to Yuko where ever she is now. I wish that the anniversary celebration will give comfort to you as well as to her soul.