Psychic Virginity

Hi Yuko,

I saw my therapist today.

It was my fifth session, and had rather positive talk.

Listening how I was doing, she commented I was surprisingly doing well in my mourning process. I think she is right My pain is not very active any more. I cried a lot for the first two sessions or so. The pain was so powerful at that time, maybe for two to three months, that I had used every opportunity to get it out using anybody available. But today, I did not feel I had to express my painful emotion any more. I am not saying my pain of losing you out of sudden has disappeared. It is still here deep in my heart, but more stable, and smooth on the surface like your pyramid stone.

 Why am I so successful? I told her I did not want to say that I am a professional therapist, I know how to grieve, so I can do it in a short time, I have finished within a half year, and that’s it. I know I have not finished at all; I do not want to finish. I want spend the whole rest of my life so that you stay with me in my life.

If I say I am good in grieving, I can only say it is because of the support I am receiving from a lot of people around me. I am lucky to have my extended family close to me. The basic needs of our daily chores are properly met, like food, laundry and housekeeping. I owe large part of them by my mother. Eugene is securely attached to his grandfather. We had the same household as 二世帯住宅, but the emotional door between them are closed to keep our independence when you were alive. I think that was a right decision to keep the proper distance. But since you were gone, the two households became one big family. It is funny although I lost you, I feel my family became bigger with six people in it.

I owe a lot to my children too. They keep me busy, and never let me be alone at home. I sometimes feel it is too demanding especially from my daughter. Yuma used to be closely attached to you as a mother, but her emotional needs now turns onto me. I know you two had lots of good times and conflicts as mother/daughter dyad. Now this kind of emotional tension and closeness are replicated into our father/daughter dyad which I obviously welcome even though it may be demanding. There are so many people around me at home and at work. I never have time and space to feel loneliness which I appreciate as a typical extrovert.

I know theoretically how to go through this difficult time, so I deliberately seek support from people outside of the family. I have been lucky enough to have so many close friends and colleagues who emotionally support me. Writing this blog helps me for great deal. I can write exactly what I feel; both pain and joy. I want to have somebody to listen to my voice and know me, but I do not want to force anybody. People would choose to visit my blog out of their own wills, some quite often, and other less often, all according to their needs and wants. I appreciate them so much. It does not work like this if it is an e-mail, which I deliver them, and they have to read it with no choice of their own.

So this is how I know how to survive during this challenging time. It is all because of you all; my family, friends and people who come to read my blog, that made me possible to thrive.

It is indeed a life-long process of my grieving work. I would not release the pain of losing you, Yuko. It will always way in my heart, but not in a destructive way to interfere my prospective life, but in an empowering way. I never had such a substantial human pain in my life. My therapist phrased it as I finally lost my psychic virginity to become a matured wounded healer who really knows the client’s deep pain. Yuko, you initiated me to become a proper therapist! She also mentioned I should use your spiritual energy for my creativity. My next task in my professional career is writing a new book. I will dedicate it to you. Yuko, you have to be with me working on the book which I have already started.

So this is the empowering use of your deceased energy. It still exists firmly inside of me. You must also help me finding my next partner. Not now. Later.

優子

西魔女とは今日が5回目になるけど、ほめてくれたよ。喪の仕事、しっかりやってるって。これは、自分の力じゃないよね。一番大切な人を失った痛みを、人によって癒されている。これが家族の力だね。逆境で、どれほど家族がその潜在力を発揮できるか。家族って、素晴らしいよ。このブログの力もすごいね。人を繋いでくれる。みんな、自分の気持ちで来てくれるんだ。決して、押し付けではない。それが嬉しい。

優子を亡くした痛みは、残りの人生、一生、持ち続けるよ。僕の人生を台無しにする痛みではなく、僕を救ってくれる痛みとしてね。セラピストとしての童貞をやっと失ったね、だって。西魔女はうまいこと言うよ。50を過ぎて、やっと大人になれたのかな。次の本は、優子にdedicateするからね。今までの本もあとがきにちっちゃくそうしてきたけど、今度は、前扉に、恥ずかしいほどでかくね。だから、僕にちゃんと力を吹き込んでくれよ。