I am surviving

Dear David, Khawla, and the MKP brothers,

Very nice to hear from my best friends.

Thank you so much for your thoughts on me and my children.

Yes, I am surviving!!

I am in much better shape than in February when I met you last time. It was only a month after Yuko's death. I was in a very active phase of my mourning process. I could not help crying out loud for the pain. I needed a work to release my strong pain with your help. I felt so relieved to have your support. I was insecurely attached to my kids, and could not leave them at all. That’s why I had to cancel my business trip to Okinawa.

 We settled Yuko’s urn in the grave yard in April. It has been four months, and I feel like I am now in a chronic phase of my mourning. I do not feel wanting to cry any more. I can eat, sleep, and be active at work and daily chores with no problem. I play tennis and golf once in a while. I started to see a psychotherapist regularly for the first time in my life. I am not depressed or suicidal. I have to stay alive for my children and for myself. Superficial part of me is fine. But my sadness and loneliness went to the core of my heart and stay there still without moving. I am always conscious on this part of myself, but I cannot do anything about it. It is hard to let them go out. I may say I do not want to do so. I want to keep my sadness for a time being. I do not want lose them. My sadness is Yuko. I do not want to lose her images.

 Talking to you guys on Monday night, I realize I am like walking on a knife ridge of 3000m class mountains. I have to take delicate balance of falling down either sides of the ridges; one side is in a deep valley of sadness and depression that I will not be able to move. The other side is a part of me wanting to have a new relationship to substitute my loneliness, although I know clearly it would not yet work at all. It is still too early to that stage.

 You always ask me how the children are doing. They are pretty in good shape. Zen passed the exam, and now going to a high school of his first choice. He likes the school which is very demanding academically and sports activity that he chose to play in a volley ball team.

Yuma graduated from elementary school in March and now in her first year of a local junior high. She is asking to have a dog at home. Eugene is fine too. He is now devoted in gymnastic club on weekends, and Yuma for swimming as well.

I believe it is a good indication that we manage to guarantee them a comfortable and reassuring environment for them to grow. Sudden loss of Yuko create deep crisis for my family. I am realize the coping mechanism or Resilience of the family functioning. My kids, I and my parents become much closer to each other than we used to be. I am very lucky to have three children with me and my parents living together in one household. We used to manage to set a right generational boundary between my parents’ and our tow households. But now we all became one big extended family.