Wedding Anniversary

MKP brothers,

I need your help.

This is nothing urgent nor emergency, but something bugging me all the time.

Data

Today is my 22nd wedding anniversary with 優子.

I am writing this in 新幹線on my way back from 仙台. I had to work all day today (Saturday).

Eugene got a fever yesterday, and he was still sick when I left this morning. I got a phone call from my parents, and found him to be a swine flu. I excused from my work commitment, and hurry back to home.

All the three kids got fever sometime during the week. I did not have enough time to stay with them and take them to a doctor. I have to depend on my parents to look after them. Zen is old enough to take care of himself, but Eugene is not.

I will be off to Korea for three days next week for my research meeting. It is a kind work I would enjoy, but I will be away from my family.

I have been away from our i-group quite some time. I've got too many works to be involved to come to the meetings.

Judgment

I still cannot achieve my long standing intention to cut my workload and to stop being in the middle of a washing machine. I did manage to cut out some of my work assignments since I lost 優子, but still many new projects to come.

Having said it, I have improved the quality of my work. I used to accept every kind of offers, but now I have learned to say NO and only choose the ones which deserve. But I still do not have enough time to spend with my kids. I also want more time to be in touch with my deep feeling. I am always occupied with either my work or my family, which I enjoy both. I can be left alone to reflect myself only when I am in the long ride train or at the group with you.

Feeling

優子is still very alive inside of me. I think about her a lot with the great pain. She is like air I breathe. I do not think about it when it is there. I become very aware of the lack of it when it's gone. I mourn its loss, and feel like choking. I wanted to celebrate our 22nd anniversary of our marriage, but she is gone in the wind. I feel it is no use to think about her, and want to release her from my memory, which I cannot. I cannot breathe if I hide this feeling. The only thing I can do is to talk to you like this and place it at the top of my sword.

Wants

For myself, I want to share this feeling with you.

I want to spend more time with children.

I want control my work load and stop being in the washing machine which never stops.

For the warrior brothers, I want you to be connected with me. I feel sad that I cannot meet you as much as I want, but still your spirits means a lot to me.

I am thinking about how I may organize the one year memorial ceremony. I am not sure yet when and how. Should it be on January the 3rd? It is during the New Year holiday, and many people may come, but I don't know it is the proper time to mourn during a happy holiday season. Could it be before the date (e.g. last week of December), or after the holiday season (like second week of Jan.)

I want her memorial to be non-religious like the funeral. One possibility may be to make the circle with my family to draw her spirit into the circle so that we can directly talk to her. I want you to be present and help us for the ritual just like we did at the funeral. This is just one possibility, and I have not decided yet. At this moment, I just wanted to share with you what I have on my mind.

Thank you for being with me.