一年半

Hi Sharon,

Very nice to hear from you!

My kids are doing fine!

Yuma visited our friend family in Australia for 10 days in this spring by herself, and liked to go abroad again. She is very active and outgoing like her father. We may want to visit the US or Canada in the near future!

I am fine as well. I am going to quite my university job by next March and start my own private practice office. I am looking forward to the change of my life. (well, I feel I have to...)

Hey Tiki,

Thanks for all the latest family news!

Quitting your job, eh? Wow big change. How long were you at the university? Sounds exciting. For me, going into private practice was the best thing for me. Now, I am only in private practice part time and at the hospital part time but still I think I enjoy the choices I now have. There was a period of 6 months where I only worked in private practice and after a while I found it a bit lonely, although the variety of cases was wonderful and challenging. So the blend of hospital work with a team and private practice works for me. I hope you find the chance invigorating. I am most curious about why you say you feel you have to make a change?

How nice for Yuma that she is extending herself to new worlds, very outgoing indeed, and by herself too! Good for you dad! How is Eugene doing? And your oldest son? You are always welcome in Canada! Hope we see you.


Sharon

夢のサンフランシスコ

TorontoのSharonとメールしてたのがきっかけだったのか。

昨夜の夢の中で、サンフランシスコ家族旅行が実現したんだ。5年前、家族で行ったバンクーバーのさっちゃんの家と微妙にオーバーラップしていたけど。子どもたちと、優子も一緒だった。

何気ない普段の生活。

優子）夕食は何にしようか。クラッカーの上にパテとご飯を載せて食べると美味しいよ。

変なこと言い出すなあ！確かに昨日カドヤでパテを買ったけど。

近くのチャイニーズのスーパーにお買い物。バンクーバーにあったやつだね。

子どもたちも、ママに甘えていた。

大学時代の片思いの彼女も突然出てきて。

いずれにせよ、親密性は成就できなかった。

夢の中で思った。

そうか、優子はサンフランシスコにいればいいんだ。フリスコは優子の故郷だろ！？どうしても会いたくなったら会いに行ける可能性は残しておくことが大事だね。

普段はいなくたって、大丈夫だよ。子どもたちはずいぶん成長してきたし、僕だって大丈夫。

Hi Sharon,

Thanks for your reply. 

I took this university job right after I came back from London, so it has been 18 years. I guess it is more than enough, hah? I have been engaged in my clinical work outside of the university once a week. I have known for myself that I would enjoy clinical work more than teaching job. But I have kept the teaching job for such a long time because there was no clear reason that I have to quit. Professorship is rewarding. It is a good social status, has a freedom to choose in teaching and research, and long seasonal vacations. They beat the boring parts like management committees, admin meetings, and one way lecturing in a big room with half of the hundred students asleep.

So why do I have to make the change now?

That’s an important question for me to think about. Thank you for giving me a chance to elaborate for myself. It is something to do with my bereavement process. My mourning work went pretty well for the last one and a half year with so many supports including my therapist, friends and family. I feel like my pain and deep sadness are by now well wrapped around and find a safe place to stay at the bottom of my heart.

So my question now is; which direction am I heading from here? I lost a major part of my identity that I had been fostering with Yuko for the last 21 years. I have to have a new identity to make the rest of my life meaningful. My role as a father of three adolescent children should remain unchanged. I enjoy it and want to keep it. I have to take a double role of both fathering and mothering which used to be share with Yuko. It is demanding but so rewarding.

So I decided to keep the inside-of-the-family part of me, and to totally change outside part. I quit the professorship to retire from the extrovert and public part of myself, and go into an introverted part of me to focus on a small number of dedicated clients.

I used to enjoy selling my name to the public. Well known publicity fuels my grandiose identity as typical men’s attitude. But I came to realize it means nothing compared to the small number of close and intimate relationships by losing Yuko. I want to spend the rest of my life dedicating to my family, close friends and small number of clients who are really in need for my help.

Having said that, it would be boring just doing monotonous private practice as you mentioned. I will keep social part of myself by attending the international family therapy conferences, writing books and coordinating non-professional volunteer activity of telephone help line.

Rome/Todi friends are very important part of me. Andre came to Tokyo from Finland a few months ago, and spent a day together. I talked about my bereavement, and he talked about his recent divorce. It was deep enough conversation and we could laugh at our own ‘mid-life crisis.’

Yuma is 14 and growing to be a very demanding adolescent. Facing her demands reminds me of my relationship with Yuko; many arguments to achieve higher level of intimacy. I need patients to act as a loving and assertive parent, but after all I enjoy the delicate father/ daughter relationship.

Two boys are less demanding than Yuma, and going their own ways. Zen is 16 and spends more time at school and volley ball team activity. I feel sad and joy to realize it won’t be long before he leaves home. Eugene is 11 and acting as the youngest sibs. He fights with Yuma, and adores Zen. Zen will be with his school team, but I will spend so much time with Yuma and Eugene in our summer house.

You know, it is just one and a half year since Yuko’s passing on today. I feel lucky to write you on this special day.

So this is how we are doing now.

Send our best regards to Hans and Becky. Hope to see you sometime.

Tiki.