Looking back the year 2009

I looked back for this year with my therapist today.

It was by far the SADDEST year of my whole life. I felt like every action and conversation I took during this year related to my long and difficult mourning process.

But I would not say it was the WORST year.

I managed to survive.

But I had been worrying two things; my own depression and my three kids. I was rather hyper-active to compensate my pain at the beginning. So every time I felt a bit down I suspected I finally got into the depressive phase. But then I realized I was either tired of doing something too much, hang over or getting not enough sleep. I have been full of energy all through the year in both sadness and joy.

My children are doing fine in spite of the big loss. I saw Yuma’s school teacher last week who gave us very positive comments on her performance at school. I knew she was functioning at home, so I felt relieved to know that she was fine at school as well. All of us engaged well in sports; volleyball for Zen, swimming for Yuma, gymnastics for Eugene, and tennis/golf/cycling for me. We also have a new pappy dog Kai in our family.

I recovered well enough to think of positive aspects of the big loss.

I feel like I finally became a full professional therapist who really understands people’s pain. I thrived through the biggest any men can think of, so that means I do not afraid of any kind of pain for the rest of my life (except for the death of my children).

I also found out the good quality of my support system. I managed to use every kind of people around. I do not particularly meet new people, but I found so many people that I knew are very supportive and empathize my pain.

一番心配したのはふたつ；僕自身のうつと、子どもたちのこと。始めから異様にハイだったので、ちょっと気分が落ちると、ヤバい、ついにうつが来たかも、、、と恐れていた。でも、翌日には元に戻り、振り返ってみれば、動きすぎか寝不足、あるいは二日酔いだったみたい。どうにか気持ち的にもここまでやってこれたので、逆の意味で、今後、どんなことが起きても大丈夫、みたいな自信がついたかもしれない。