納骨 Setttling Yuko's ashes in the ground

Dear MKP men, 

Thank you for supporting me in a nice group. It is a small group, but means a lot to me.

It was a big turning point for me yesterday. We brought Yuko's ashesお骨 to the family cemetery. It is such a nice place. It takes 90 minutes from our house by car, out in the suburban area in 三浦半島with lots of nature. It is in a big public cemetery park sitting on a hill, overlooking sea water which Yuko liked. It is a ritual  ceremony　followed by the funeral a week after Yuko’s death. I chose not to invite people, but just among close member of the family. It was very simple ceremony. I did not ask Buddhist monk to give prayer, but each of us read out a message to Yuko. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I did not have to cry for the last few weeks, but I cried this time. Three children read very good messages to their mother.

After the ceremony, we normally go to a nice restaurant for treat. But we had a nice picnic lunch close to Yuko’s place. I wanted to stay as close to Yuko as possible.

I have been wearing our wedding ring結婚指輪 up until yesterday because I want to keep Yuko close to me. Yesterday, I took it off and leｆt in a Yuko’s urn骨壷.　I ask Yuko to keep it for a moment until I come to you, so that we can get married again in a heaven or our next lives. But don’t expect me to come soon. It would take some years before I die.

 I was so tired yesterday, but it was a fatigue in a good way. I think I could release Yuko and also my tension/energy to keep her alive in my mind. I did not want to release her, but I did so yesterday. Ashes are ashes, and not Yuko. But I have opened the lid to feel the born a couple of times. They used to be Yuko, but they are not so now.

Yuko is gradually slipping away from my mind too. It may come back again, but it is the way I feel now.

I noticed I feel my sadness slightly in a different way. I use to feel pain of sadness that I lost Yuko and I cannot see her again for life, so I tried to hold her memory. But now I realize she is gone, and my sadness is more to do with my situation, that I am alone and empty.

納骨を終え、気持ちがちょっと変わったみたい。

確かに、昨日は、とても疲れた。というか、それまで、心の中で優子を生かそうと必死だったのだと思う。優子を墓地にあずけた今、優子を生かさなくてもいいんだと思うようになったよ。気持ちの糸がふっと切れ、すごく疲れを感じたんじゃないかな。

今までは優子が突然いなくなったことが悲しかった。でも、今、優子の面影は僕の心から去りつつある。残ったのは、優子のような親しい人がいなくなったという寂しさ、孤独感だと思う。